Counselors Prefer You Put The Bazooka Away
by mysoxlike2party
Summary: Hijikata Yamazaki and Sougo go to group counseling. Long overdue, isnt it?


**Anime**: Gintama  
**Rating**: T, For slight language  
**Warnings**: Slight Language  
**Disclaimer**: Don't own Gintama, thank god!  
**Notes**: My 2nd story to be published here.

* * *

"See you tomorrow, Kondou." Said Hijikata, grabbing his belongings from the office. It was the end of the day for this Shinsengumi officer, who had stayed a while longer then usual to help Kondou with some paperwork. Everybody else was gone, probably asleep in their comfortable beds. Hijikata glanced at the wall clock. 12:30 it read.

"Oh, you don't work tomorrow, Hijikata." Said Kondou, grabbing his belongings as well. Hijikata turned slightly.

"What are you talking about. Of course I work tomorrow." He said.

Kondou smiled. "Nope. I give you the day off tomorrow."

"Why?"

"You're going to group counseling."

Hijikata spit out his cigar.

"The hell?"

Kondou fiddled with his stuff for a moment, looked up and said "Being the Commander, I am responsible for everyone below me. I have to make sure everyone is in tip top shape to make sure we do what we do. Gotta make sure no one is slacking off."

"And that's why I beat Yamazaki every other day for his badminton during work." Said Hijikata.

"And I thank you for that," Began Kondou, "But you have some ordeals that need work too."

"Ordeals? What ordeals? I have no ordeals. Do you even know the definition of ordeal?" Said Hijikata.

Ignoring the fact that he did in fact not know the exact definition of ordeal, Kondou continued.

"It's you and Sougo." Said Kondou suddenly, "You two fight... constantly. It's not a healthy relationship."

"So?" Said Hijikata, "Since when did you start caring on whether or not me and Sougo get along?"

Kondou pulled out a book from his bag and showed it to him.

"'How To Be The Perfect Shinsengumi Commander.'" Read Hijikata. "Wow."

Kondou flipped through the book, found the page, pointed at the paragraph, then shoved it into Hijikata's face. "In here it specifically states a healthy relationship with your co workers is a happy and more successful relationship! Not only is it better for you two, but on the job! If there's always conflict, how will you get the job done? It will result in failure of the mission, and ultimately, failure of the Shinsengumi!"

"So you think counseling is gonna solve this?" Said Hijikata, pushing the book away from his face.

"I have to try. That's what a good commander would do!" Replied Kondou.

"Will it take away my vacation days." Asked Hijikata.

"In the end, it's all about your vacation days, huh?" Replied Kondou.

* * *

There was silence. The air conditioner buzzed. The tension in this room could be sliced with a knife. Hijikata grew a bit stiff on the sofa.

_Why did I agree to this... _Thought Hijikata.

Okita scratched his head.

_My head is itchy... I hope I don't have lice again._ Thought Okita.

Yamazaki twirled his hair around his finger.

_Why am I even here?_ Thought Yamazaki.

"So," Began the counselor, breaking the ice, "I heard you were having problems at work."

"Not entirely, Kondou's just being paranoid." Said Hijikata. "I assure you, if there are any problems between us co workers, their totally normal among us."

"Yes, I agree with Vice Commander." Said Okita, pointing his infamous bazooka straight at Hijikata's head. The counselor dropped the pen he was holding in shock.

"You call THAT _normal_? How did you even get it in here? I didn't see you walk in with a bazooka!" He said hysterically.

"Dammit, Sougo! You can't keep that thing away even during counseling?" Complained Hijikata.

"Hold still, Vice Commander. This will only hurt a lot." Said Sougo.

"LIAR!" Shouted Hijikata.

"HOLD IT!" Yelled the counselor, standing up. "Now I see the problem!"

"What problem?" Said Hijikata and Sougo in unison.

"Are you two BLIND and DEAF? Your co worker is trying to kill you, Hijikata-san! How can you be fine with this?" Asked Mr Counselor.

"This is on a daily basis. And I think it's quite obvious he's never gonna succeed since he's been trying to kill me since... oh, I dunno." Replied Hijikata.

"Hey, I'm gonna succeed one of these days, so watch yourself Vice Commander." Warned Sougo.

"Sougo-san, why do you try to kill Hijikata-san?" Asked Mr Counselor, whipping out a pen and a clipboard.

"Because if I get him outta the way I can be Vice Commander." He replied.

"Why?"

Sougo paused. He scratched his chin. "Hmmm... I never really thought about it. Man, this guy's deep. You really know how to get into a person's mind."

"All he asked was 'WHY'! And you're retarded for not having a purpose!" Shouted Hijikata.

"Hijikata-san, how do you feel about Sougo-san's constant murder attempts?" Asked Mr Counselor, writing on his clipboard.

"I feel violated. Someone wants to end my life and I see that person everyday. It hurts me inside." Hijikata said, grabbing a tissue from a nearby kleenex box.

"Sougo-san, how do you feel about that response?" Asked Mr Counselor.

"I...I dunno what to say. I thought Hijikata knew how much I wanted to kill him, and I thought he was OK with knowing that for the rest of his life." Replied Sougo.

"You idiot!" Shouted Hijikata, turning to him, "How the hell would I be OK with that? You are messed up in the head! Send this guy to solitary confinement!"

"Hold on. Yamazaki-san, you don't seem to be saying anything. What's wrong?" Asked Mr Counselor, turning to Yamazaki.

"Oh." Said Hijikata, blowing into a tissue, "We just brought him along so the counseling session could be free. You know that sale you guy's are having? Bring 3 or more current or retired force officers, get a session free?"

"So you just brought me along so you don't have to pay out of your pocket!" Said Yamazaki, "In the end, that's all I'm for, isn't it?"

"Do not worry, Yamazaki-san. Your presence is not in vain. I see you have problems during work as well."

"Your damn right he does. He plays tennis during work. DURING WORK." Said Hijikata,

"Not tennis!" Corrected Yamazaki, "Badminton! BADMINTON!"

"Why do you play tenni—er, badminton during work, Yamazaki-san?" Asked Mr counselor.

"I'm bored sometimes during work. If I'm not out on a mission or stakeout or anything, what else do I do? These people don't keep me occupied!" Whined Yamazaki.

"Of course you're occupied! I order Sougo to give you assignments and stuff when you're not out on a mission!" Said Hijikata.

"No he doesn't." Said Yamazaki. "He just sits there filing his nails or sleeping or something."

"Aha! We found the problem!" Said Mr Counselor.

"It's SOUGO whose not doing his job! I ought to have you commit seppuku!" Said Hijikata.

"You say that to everyone who makes a little mistake." Said Sougo.

"I do NOT!"

"Do to."

"Do NOT."

"Do TO."

"Do NOT."

"Do TO..."

"Didn't Mr Counselor tell you to put the bazooka AWAY!"

"I'm gonna put you away right now."

"STOP!" Cried Mr Counselor, standing up again. "Never have I seen such DISORDER and CHAOS between three people!"

"This is nothing. You should see us during work." Commented Hijikata.

"You should see me when I actually pull the trigger to the bazooka. The explosion is awesome, everything blows up, except my prime target for some odd reason." Said Sougo, fixing his aim at Hijikata's head.

"Put it AWAY Sougo!" Said Hijikata.

"Can I go now? Sure I have some problems with my co workers but at least I'm not trying to kill my higher-ups..." Said Yamazaki.

"NO!" Shouted Mr Counselor, grabbing Yamazaki by the hair, "You are an important aspect to the healing process of this very damaged relationship you three share!"

"No I am NOT! I'm leaving, I don't care if Vice Commander Hijikata does end up paying for this session!" Cried Yamazaki, sick of all this already.

"At the end of the session, were having cake."

"Vice Commander Hijikata uses me as a chair sometimes." Whimpered Yamazaki.

"Hijikata-san!" Cried Mr Counselor, hugging and consoling Yamazaki.

"ONE TIME!"

"I may be a sadist but never have I used a human being as a chair." Commented Sougo.

"Like you're one to talk! Look, the chairs were taken, I was tired, and Yamazaki just looked real comfortable to sit on at that moment!" Explained Hijikata.

"You know, he kind of _does_ look comfortable to sit on..." Said Sougo, looking at Yamazaki. Yamazaki stiffened up. Dreadful memories of being used as a chair came flooding back.

* * *

_"Man, I can't believe all the chairs are taken!" Complained Hijikata, entering the special Shinsengumi banquet._

_"I'm sorry, Vice Commander. Perhaps next time you should try to come earlier." Said Yamazaki, standing by the door. Hijikata scanned the large room. Nope, not one free chair. And this wasn't a traditional Japanese room either, so no sitting on the floor. This was also a smoke-free zone, so no standing-and-enjoying-a-smoke. He glanced at Yamazaki._

_"You came late too then?" Asked Hijikata, noticing Yamazaki was not sitting on a chair._

_"No, I'm just acting as a bodyguard for the honored guests." He explained. The Vice Commander glanced at him again. Man does Hijikata want to sit down, and man does Yamazaki look comfortable to sit on right now._

_"Yamazaki." Began the Demon Vice Commander._

_"Yes?"_

_"Bend down."_

_"Huh?"_

_"Go on your knees."_

_"Wha?"_

_"Do it!"_

_Hijikata being his Superior, the poor Spy couldn't say no. He did as told and went on his knees. Hijikata pushed him from behind and to save himself from falling face first, Zaki placed his hands on the ground._

_"Good. Don't move." Said the Vice Commander._

_Yamazaki watched in horror as the Demon Vice Commander sat on his back._

_"This is a good view of everything. Why yes waiter, I would love some hors d'oeuvres."_

_"V-Vice Commander?" Squeaked Zaki._

_"Yes, Yamazaki?" He said, crossing his legs. Yamazaki felt the shift in Hijikata's weight and flinched a little. Man was this guy heavy._

_"...N-No... nothing..."_

* * *

"*64 kg on my back... for 2 hours straight... My back still hurts." Said Zaki. [*NOTE: About 141 lbs]

"Not only is that INHUMANE but you are taking ADVANTAGE of poor Yamazaki-san because he has to obey your every command!" Said Mr Counselor. "You owe him an apology!"

"The only apology anyone owes anybody is Kondou for taking us to this stupid session! Oh, but I am sorry for using you as a chair. You should have told me I was too heavy, Yamazaki."

"An apology isn't gonna cover it! How would you like it if Yamazaki-san sat on you for 2 hours?" Cried Mr Counselor.

"Well, he weighs about *6 kilograms less than me, so..."[*NOTE: About 13/14 lbs]

"No, it's OK Vice Commander..." Began Yamazaki, "It actually strengthened my back muscles."

"Uh, Yes! That was actually a secret exercise I was giving you! I noticed your back muscles needed toning so I secretly helped you!"

Mr Counselor rolled his eyes. He got out his clipboard again and began scribbling.

"Needs... reality... check. Okay you guys, what I'm going to do now is send you all to _Users Anomynous." _Said Mr Counselor.

"Whats that?" Asked Sougo

"Like any other 'anonymous' group... except for users." He replied.

"Users?"

"Selfish, greedy people. You know, like you guys. Except maybe not Yamazaki."

"Yay!" Cheered Yamazaki.

"But I will send YOU to _User Victims Anonymous_. It'll help you cope with all the terrible things your higher-ups have made you done." Said Mr Counselor.

"Um, I'm not scarred or anything like that—"

"Poor child doesn't even know he was being used."

"Um—"

"Okay, I've had about enough." Said Yamazaki, standing up from the sofa. "I know we have problems—"

"Problems? You say that so lightly!" Interrupted Mr Counselor.

"Yea, we may have problems that may not ever go away, but that is just how we are. We are selfish, greedy... We take advantage of each other at any given moment! It's hardwired into our brains! You can't counsel it outta us!" Declared Hijikata proudly.

"That's right!" Agreed Sougo, "If Hijikata were to leave now and leave his wallet behind, guess what? I'd take his wallet without hesitation. And if he were to ask me about it, I'd play dumb and say I never saw it."

"Remind me to always check my pockets for my wallet whenever we leave somewhere..." Said Hijikata. He patted his empty pockets. "Hey, you seen my wallet?"

"What wallet, sir?"

". . . My point proven. . ."

* * *

Thanks for reading till the end! I know it could have been better but meh... I think this is decent. It was originally just going to be Okita and Hijikata that needed counseling but I _LOVE_ Yamazaki so I decided to throw him in here. ^^


End file.
